Your Name...

I'm conflicted all the time. At every waking moment of my life right now I'm conflicted. Do I give up, give in, run to , run from, hide, or reveal myself, talk or stay silent, listen or tune out. I've been running for a long time now, knowing that I needed to surrender. Yet in my running I've built this life around me that is now my entire life. Does surrendering mean I need to change my life once again? Or will God use me where I am? Will He use what's left of me, battered, bruised and confused? Or will He demand me change before I come to his throne again?

I was thinking this through in church. It was the first church service I had been in in a very very long time. As I was thinking I was struck by the though of when I first came to the throne. I was anything but perfect, my life wasn't beautiful, and it wasn't all together. It was a mess, almost like now only in a much different way. Regardless, that's what made it such a wonderful and beautiful thing, I wasn't perfect, yet I was accepted AS IS. All around me people have seen my life transformation, one which most do not agree, and I will not try and justify it, but they accepted me AS IS. Yet when it came to the thought of God I thought I needed to change everything before I could come back to Him. This morning I don't know if I heard God's voice, or if it was just a moment of clarity, there's probably no difference between the two. But I knew then that it was time to come back. I know that I can't do it in my own strength,

AS MORNING DAWNS AND EVENING FADES
YOU INSPIRE SONGS OF PRAISE
THAT RISE FROM EARTH TO TOUCH YOUR HEART
AND GLORIFY YOUR NAME

YOUR NAME IS A STRONG AND MIGHTY TOWER
YOUR NAME IS A SHELTER LIKE NO OTHER
YOUR NAME LET THE NATIONS SING IT LOUDER
CAUSE NOTHING HAS THE POWER TO SAVE BUT YOUR NAME

JESUS IN YOUR NAME WE PRAY
COME AND FILL OUR HEARTS TODAY
LORD GIVE US STRENGTH TO LIVE FOR YOU
AND GLORIFY YOUR NAME

YOUR NAME IS A STRONG AND MIGHTY TOWER
YOUR NAME IS A SHELTER LIKE NO OTHER
YOUR NAME LET THE NATIONS SING IT LOUDER
CAUSE NOTHING HAS THE POWER TO SAVE BUT YOUR NAME

It was during this song that it really hit me. We aren't called to be perfect. We are called to live for him, along the way we will make mistakes and disappoint. God loves us though, He loved us when He knew the things we would do. I know He's called me for a reason, He wouldn't have called me for a certain amount of time and then given up on me, and I will continue to search for him. Whatever that brings is good with me, but for now I just bask in His love because that's what matters.

There's still things that I need to work out, there's still hurt and bitterness that I need to figure out and let go. I need my life to be His.