A New Perspective

I have been having a wonderful visit home for Christmas. One of my best yet I think. I have been able to see everyone I wanted to see and also be able to spend adequate time with my parents. A balance I have never been able to achieve while being home.

The past 3 or so weeks I have had an increasing feeling that my life is in constant change and motion. No matter how much I believe that I am all settled down life is constantly changing and moving and I am constantly feeling like I'm being left behind. Balance has been something I have always desired but something I have never been able to grasp or live out.

There are so many things that I have processed or begun processing lately and I am once again left wondering where am I in the midst of this life? I mean I am right here but in the search of trying to find myself have I only hid myself thinking that it was really me? And if that's the case what was I hiding from or rather WHO was I hiding from?

After reading the novel "The Shack" I have a deeper understanding of who God is in the midst of my life right now and this new understanding is making it easier for me to once again approach the throne of my Father. I am slowly walking towards him one baby step at a time and although it's scary for me right now I know that He is my Redeemer.

He is touching my soul, holding my hand, and whispering in my ear and I am learning to recognize his presence. He is so good, so merciful, so gracious, so gentle, so patient, so loving, and so much more. I am in awe of Him, and his forgiveness in my life.

My prayer for this year is that I would begin to face my demons, to fight the thorn in my flesh and face myself. Would you join me in an incredible journey and adventure?

THE SHACK

I'm currently reading a book that is turning my entire universe on its head. It is transforming my world with each word. It has been a long time since I have read a book that has had such an impact on my soul. I am finally coming to a place where I feel ok with stepping into the love of God and this book is ushering me in deeper.

I had an idea that in order to be loved by God again, to feel Him again I needed to make drastic life changes. I now see He has never left and never will and that He still works through every movement, every word and every decision in my life.

If you get the chance read "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young let it transform your own theology.

1 Broken Car
1 Missing Boyfriend
1 Broken Stove
= a very bad week

Looking forward to the end of it, and going home for Christmas.

Update Much?

I have been on a whirlwind the past month.

1) Stressing over Zoology thinking I needed a C to pass the class. Today I found out a D is a passing grade. I'm good for that

2) Writing papers in an entirely different format and style than what I'm used to.

3) Adjusting to being alone for a while because Carlos is suffering Saskatchewan weather for money.

In the midst of it all I've been learning more about myself. While I was studying, writing papers, reading etc. I found that I was constantly drawn to Facebook. I used to love Facebook but the more I used it the more I found distaste in it. I realized that I was using Facebook as a conversation starter, "oh did you see that so and so is doing this and that?" I would spend stupid amounts of time writing on people's walls, "we should definitely get together". I would make sure that every single picture I took was posted. In the midst of studying for Zoology, though, I got fed up. I went and deleted it! I couldn't believe what I was doing, Facebook is so "in" what was I thinking? I was thinking that friendships don't flourish on Facebook, but rumors do, I was thinking that I'm desperately longing for a friendship that isn't grounded, rooted, and relying on Facebook. I want to be real and I'm afraid that doesn't really happen on Facebook. That's ok with me though, I'm fine without it and I'm surprised to feel a relief with not having it. I feel like I cut 40 pounds off my back.

Now on to being alone. I've always thought of myself as a very independent person, and in fact I was a very independent person. Since I've been with Carlos though I find that I rely on him for things that I used to do all by myself, things I wouldn't even think twice about. I've never noticed it so clearly as this last week. Saturday night/Sunday morning I was woken up with the most excruciating pain in my chest. I layed in bed and just cried because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted someone there to hug me and make me feel better or take me to the hospital if need be. I layed there thinking I'm all alone right now, there is absolutely no one around, what would I do if it was more serious? I don't have family here, and I barely have any good friends anymore. If I have ever said I felt lonely before I take it back because that is the loneliest I have ever felt. Then this morning my car gets stuck at 6:30 am, I have an exam to get to, and no one around to help me. I almost had a nervous break down. Then after my exam I was so elated about how it went and I automatically thought to call Carlos but couldn't, and again felt alone.

I don't write all this to make you feel sorry for me. Instead I write it to say that in the midst of my temporary loneliness I have never felt so blessed to have someone who is there for me no matter what. I have never felt so much like I was made for him and he was made for me than I have this week. I have never been so reassured of something like I have this week. I know that goes against a lot of beliefs because we live together. Seriously though it doesn't even matter. We fit and we love, and we live, and we laugh. There is nothing like it.