The beginning of unraveling.....

Wow....

I have taken a much longer break from writing than I once intended. These last 3-4 months have been ones that have shown me who I really am, aside from what those around me think, aside from what I wish I could be, aside from all the lies that form. I have had the hardest summer of my life, but one which I know was necessary and vital for my life. Where in the midst of it I hated it, I wanted out, I wanted an easy way out. It was a scary place to be facing myself, my insecurities, my lack of things I wish I had, my life....

I have decided to continue writing because it is the one place I feel safe. Safe to express myself, safe to love, safe to live, safe to explore the confusion of my mind.

I find myself feeling a lot of antisocial and claustrophobic lately. I feel I am coming to a place where I just need space from people. I need to figure out my life without the public eye on me. I'm sick of people calling me because "they heard something from someone," and that someone that they heard things from did not talk to me about the things they are speaking to others. I feel like I need out, out of the close knit circle which I have resided. I love my friends, I love who they are in my life, I love what they have given me, I love spending time with them and knowing them, and I would never wish them out of my life. So now I'm contradicting myself, on one side I want to be left alone to live my life, I want freedom from the critical eye of the church and my circle, I want to be trusted to do the right thing. Yet on the other side I want to keep my friends close. Is there a balance acheivable here??

I am learning that the church is my family. Growing up I was never close with my real family, we never kept real good tabs on each other. Even my parents let me do basically whatever I wanted. Now that I am in the church family and wanting that freedom I had with my parents as a teenager I can't get it. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe just maybe that's the way the church is really supposed to be. Right now though, I don't want it to be that. I want to be invisible, I want to be kept safe in the arms of my father, I want a little bit of privacy, I want to live my life.... I want my life to be between me and my God who is the only one who can judge me on judgement day.

I am re-learning my faith in the real world with real people and real struggles. It's tough, I'm not part of any Christian organization, I rarely am able to make it to church, I rarely see my Christian friends, and I'm faced with new struggles each day. This is the excitement of my faith, can I stay strong even when most of my supports are not easily accessible? It's a question I am faced with each minute of my day, one which the answer changes every minute. In the midst of it though God is still loving me. Even when I know my unworthiness, even when I screw up the same thing day after day, even when I'm answering the questions wrong, even when I'm completely ignoring Him in my life, even when I am the most wicked of persons, even when the struggles of my youth come back to haunt me, even when I don't know Him; His grace is sufficient for my life. No one can save me but Him, and He is the one I must cling to.

My God and my Salvation, you alone are worthy, and to you I committ myself......