Faith and Christ

The following is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a friend. He asked me how/why I know Christ is real, and how I justify having faith in the unseen. Here is my answer:

My life this year has been such an adventure, and it hasn't all been good. Apart from my last year on Lifeforce it's been the hardest year of my life, and most self destructive. I've been running from God hard and fast deliberately. To be completely honest I have no real rational reason for why I have done that, for why I consciously chose it. It seems very stupid and irrational from the "Christian" point of view. To all my friends and those around me it's irresponsible and impossible to understand. I can tell you this though, I have learned more about myself and my God then I would have ever learned if this year had not happened.

I have learned that God is real, even if I don't want him to be. I have learned that His Son has kept me and even when I wanted nothing to do with him he stuck by me. Somebody once told me in times of doubt to always go back to that first revelation, when you first knew God was real. So now looking back on my life I see that faith in Christ really did save my life, not only eternally but physically. The downward spiral I have taken this year could have happened when I was 15, I actually know it would have happened if I had never came to the realization of Christ when I was 14. The difference being that I would have died by the time I was 18 guaranteed, it would have been much worse. Even this year, if I didn't have my life, and my conscience rooted in Christ I would be in a much worse place. I tried to sever that root to no avail. That is the first reason I can justify having faith, as well as why I know Christ is real.

I have learned that I really am a wicked person, that aside from God I really have nothing. I know this because I voluntarily stripped myself of my faith, trying to live apart from what I knew was true, and I was miserable. I sank into a sort of depression, I couldn't see a point in living. I wasn't suicidal but I came to the critical point of realization of God's grace and mercy, and I knew that there really was more to life than just living to live. That God is real and always will be despite what I wish was true. The depth of my misery at that point lets me justify that Faith is a good thing.

Things like getting jobs that I am not qualified for, having money when there's really no way that finances should work out, having an undeniable pull in my life towards faith and Christ in every way possible, makes it impossible for me to not have faith and to not believe Christ is real.

Even getting into the Nursing program at the U of C has proven Christ's reality to me. I've known for a long time that Nursing was my calling, but I put it off for so long, and almost put it off for another year. It's a really hard program to get into anywhere and I got in. I know it's God's plan for my life.

As much as I turn away is as much as Christ and Faith is proven to be real and right.

The Journey to the Real Me!

This is the first excerpt from my new blog www.losingthethoughtofme.blogspot.com where I will be posting regularly, please feel free to read it and come with me on a journey.

I will still be posting here as well!

Lately I have been motivated. Motivation is something that's been very absent from my life the last while. I was wondering if I was destined to live my life apathetic and feeling lifeless. I'm not really sure what clicked/changed in the last little bit, maybe a nudge from God, maybe a frustration with myself regardless here I am feeling alive and motivated; what a blessing!

I have a running track that I work out to. It's basically just upbeat music specifically designed for runners with the occasional lyric interruption. One of the lyrics says,

Are you alive, yes I am
Are you alive, I am indeed

Every time I hear that I get a feeling like there's is so much more to being "alive"

And so with that I have decided if I want more to life I have to be the igniter. That is what this blog is all about. It's about losing who/what I thought I should be and finding who/what I really am.

I have said that a lot in my life but I've always been too lazy to go ahead and do it. But in the midst of finding myself I have decided to stop procrastinating, that journey is going well so far, a lot of thanks to my boyfriend Carlos, who lacks some patience!

So this blog is going to record my journey to a healthy balanced lifestyle. Currently I have no balance, I honestly go from one extreme to the next which makes me feel like I'm drowning in a world of chaos. So my first step to being healthy and balanced is eating healthy and exercising. I'm doing it for a lot of reasons, I need to lose weight (30lbs), I need to be healthy to live the rest of my life healthily, I want to treat my body with some respect.

A healthy lifestyle is not just eating and exercising though. It's about emotions, mind, and spirit to. So as I journey I'm going to examine my emotions, bring my mind under control, and search for God once again.

One big thing I've had to overcome is the thought of NOW. I want to see results NOW, I don't want to wait for change. I'm coming to realize that this is a lifelong change and I'm just going to have to have A LOT of patience. And I need some accountability which is the biggest reason for my blog. Even if no one reads it I know it's here and I'm going to post regularly.

So off I go to get a new bed then to the gym whether I like the thought of it or not!!

Ciao!

So small....

Well I have had a wonderful week of catching up with old friends and being encouraged. I love when that happens and it's not happening nearly as often as it used to for me. That's really just a side note.

I was driving to work today and the news came on the radio, they were talking about the big cyclone that hit Burma last week (I think that's when it happened). They were talking about how many people had died, as far as they knew and the estimated number who were now homeless.... in the millions! I was so overwhelmed, I think more overwhelmed than I have ever been. Millions of people homeless.... how in the world can people help them? They are just starting to allow some international help, and I heard yesterday that only 20 percent of the international aid that is being sent is being allowed in the country, and no aid workers are allowed in yet. It's always been my dream to obtain a career where I will be able to help people, more specifically help the very less fortunate in other countries. Now since dating an African who comes from the top five poorest countries in the world I am even more driven to do so. Hearing stories of how medicine costs a fortune, and babies are very prone to sickness but usually parish because of the cost of medicine. If only I could go now....

But as I listened to the radio this morning I couldn't help but think "who is one person?" What can I possibly do to help, I am only one person, one person who is incredibly flawed, more so than I ever thought actually. I wondered how my dream will play out and will it ever make a difference? I see disaster falling all around us, the cyclone in Burma, and probably one more on the way in a few more days, then the Earthquake in China... will the madness ever stop? I doubt it. Are we destined for disaster? Are we being punished, or are our eyes being opened? How big is God really? Can He solve this? And what is our part in it all.

My boyfriend has a saying in his langauge, "Deus I Grande" It means God is bigger. We as a couple hold onto that saying every day, and repeat again and again. Carlos constantly reminds me that nothing is impossible with God. When I am filled with doubt, will I get that job, will I be able to work my way through University?, Will I actually get into University?, Will I be able to fulfill my dreams? Will this tough time ever pass... With that he responds "I Na Passa, Deus I Grande" It will pass because God is bigger. God is bigger than what? Then my present situation, then my feelings of despair, then my debt, then anything I can imagine, He simply is bigger. But as I drove to work reflecting on not my present situation but the world's present situation. The Lord's Resistance Army in Northern Uganda and Southern Sudan, The degrading of women in Islam usually by female circumcision and other brutalities in places like Somalia and Egypt, The war on "terror" (AKA the Oil War) in Afghanastan and Iraq. There's so much more, what are we to do? Is God really bigger than all of this?? What about the thousands of Immigrants in Canada who are denied medical attention because they don't yet have their residency and can't afford to pay for all the procedures, they try to make a better life but are refused of that because they weren't born here. What is going on with us? And who will help us all?

Were we not all made in the same image? Are we not all loved with the same unconditional love? Yet we take everything forgranted in this country, and many other countries. We look around the world and see despair, yet close our eyes to our own despair. When will change happen? How will it happen? I admit I am full of doubt, doubt that God is really bigger than this all, doubt in human kind, but in the end I am forced to go to my foundation. The foundation of my life that I once thought could no longer sustain my brutality to it, I am realizing that this foundation is indestructable. It is the only thing in the world that can never be destroyed. I will try and hold on to Him, and I will repeat to myself "I Na Passa, Deus I Grande." He is here even when we are blind, and He will come through.

Your Name...

I'm conflicted all the time. At every waking moment of my life right now I'm conflicted. Do I give up, give in, run to , run from, hide, or reveal myself, talk or stay silent, listen or tune out. I've been running for a long time now, knowing that I needed to surrender. Yet in my running I've built this life around me that is now my entire life. Does surrendering mean I need to change my life once again? Or will God use me where I am? Will He use what's left of me, battered, bruised and confused? Or will He demand me change before I come to his throne again?

I was thinking this through in church. It was the first church service I had been in in a very very long time. As I was thinking I was struck by the though of when I first came to the throne. I was anything but perfect, my life wasn't beautiful, and it wasn't all together. It was a mess, almost like now only in a much different way. Regardless, that's what made it such a wonderful and beautiful thing, I wasn't perfect, yet I was accepted AS IS. All around me people have seen my life transformation, one which most do not agree, and I will not try and justify it, but they accepted me AS IS. Yet when it came to the thought of God I thought I needed to change everything before I could come back to Him. This morning I don't know if I heard God's voice, or if it was just a moment of clarity, there's probably no difference between the two. But I knew then that it was time to come back. I know that I can't do it in my own strength,

AS MORNING DAWNS AND EVENING FADES
YOU INSPIRE SONGS OF PRAISE
THAT RISE FROM EARTH TO TOUCH YOUR HEART
AND GLORIFY YOUR NAME

YOUR NAME IS A STRONG AND MIGHTY TOWER
YOUR NAME IS A SHELTER LIKE NO OTHER
YOUR NAME LET THE NATIONS SING IT LOUDER
CAUSE NOTHING HAS THE POWER TO SAVE BUT YOUR NAME

JESUS IN YOUR NAME WE PRAY
COME AND FILL OUR HEARTS TODAY
LORD GIVE US STRENGTH TO LIVE FOR YOU
AND GLORIFY YOUR NAME

YOUR NAME IS A STRONG AND MIGHTY TOWER
YOUR NAME IS A SHELTER LIKE NO OTHER
YOUR NAME LET THE NATIONS SING IT LOUDER
CAUSE NOTHING HAS THE POWER TO SAVE BUT YOUR NAME

It was during this song that it really hit me. We aren't called to be perfect. We are called to live for him, along the way we will make mistakes and disappoint. God loves us though, He loved us when He knew the things we would do. I know He's called me for a reason, He wouldn't have called me for a certain amount of time and then given up on me, and I will continue to search for him. Whatever that brings is good with me, but for now I just bask in His love because that's what matters.

There's still things that I need to work out, there's still hurt and bitterness that I need to figure out and let go. I need my life to be His.

Time, Grace, and Busyness

Amazing Grace
John Newton

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Time is a precious thing, I think it's something that most people take forgranted. It's something that's lost and can never be brought back. Something that once used up can never be recharged. Looking back at the past six months I see how I've wasted my time away. Some people say six months isn't a very long time, but as I look back it seems like an eternity. So many changes have happened, and they seemed to happen without my knowledge. It's like I was outside of my body watching time go by with no control over how I used my time.

People use time as an excuse.
"I have no time"
"Time ran out before I knew it"
"I just lost track of time"
And so many more. I know for the past six months I have been using time as an excuse. And even now I continue to use it as an excuse. I feel so busy, like my head will explode if I do anything else outside of work and sleep.

Busyness has got me to this place. I forgot about life and just worked until I became so busy that life forgot about me. Luckily grace has never left my side. Yeah I've made a lot of mistakes, maybe more mistakes and the most impactful mistakes of my entire life. I hang my head in shame. I used busyness and time as an excuse to forget about God, and my friends. What a sad statement. But as I was talking to a friend of mine over the phone she made a statement, almost in passing, but she said,
"I really beleive God is in every part of our lives"

I almost came to tears when she said that. Another friend reminded me that mistakes are not my identity. Profound statements that are turning my life around, the grace of God through the words of my friends. I was allowing my mistakes to define my life, and through that I was losing my life. Even now I have to fight for that which I know is truth. God loves me and is STILL with me EVEN NOW. I desire that part of my life back. I am going to start to fight.

Thank you to my friends who will never give up on. Thank you for fighting on my behalf, thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself.

It's time

It's time....

For something new
For something renewed
For something to come to life
For us to come to life

To rethink the old
To come back to reality
To look towards the goal
To awaken the sleeping

I came back
I loved again
I laughed again
I cried again

It's time....

The beginning of unraveling.....

Wow....

I have taken a much longer break from writing than I once intended. These last 3-4 months have been ones that have shown me who I really am, aside from what those around me think, aside from what I wish I could be, aside from all the lies that form. I have had the hardest summer of my life, but one which I know was necessary and vital for my life. Where in the midst of it I hated it, I wanted out, I wanted an easy way out. It was a scary place to be facing myself, my insecurities, my lack of things I wish I had, my life....

I have decided to continue writing because it is the one place I feel safe. Safe to express myself, safe to love, safe to live, safe to explore the confusion of my mind.

I find myself feeling a lot of antisocial and claustrophobic lately. I feel I am coming to a place where I just need space from people. I need to figure out my life without the public eye on me. I'm sick of people calling me because "they heard something from someone," and that someone that they heard things from did not talk to me about the things they are speaking to others. I feel like I need out, out of the close knit circle which I have resided. I love my friends, I love who they are in my life, I love what they have given me, I love spending time with them and knowing them, and I would never wish them out of my life. So now I'm contradicting myself, on one side I want to be left alone to live my life, I want freedom from the critical eye of the church and my circle, I want to be trusted to do the right thing. Yet on the other side I want to keep my friends close. Is there a balance acheivable here??

I am learning that the church is my family. Growing up I was never close with my real family, we never kept real good tabs on each other. Even my parents let me do basically whatever I wanted. Now that I am in the church family and wanting that freedom I had with my parents as a teenager I can't get it. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe just maybe that's the way the church is really supposed to be. Right now though, I don't want it to be that. I want to be invisible, I want to be kept safe in the arms of my father, I want a little bit of privacy, I want to live my life.... I want my life to be between me and my God who is the only one who can judge me on judgement day.

I am re-learning my faith in the real world with real people and real struggles. It's tough, I'm not part of any Christian organization, I rarely am able to make it to church, I rarely see my Christian friends, and I'm faced with new struggles each day. This is the excitement of my faith, can I stay strong even when most of my supports are not easily accessible? It's a question I am faced with each minute of my day, one which the answer changes every minute. In the midst of it though God is still loving me. Even when I know my unworthiness, even when I screw up the same thing day after day, even when I'm answering the questions wrong, even when I'm completely ignoring Him in my life, even when I am the most wicked of persons, even when the struggles of my youth come back to haunt me, even when I don't know Him; His grace is sufficient for my life. No one can save me but Him, and He is the one I must cling to.

My God and my Salvation, you alone are worthy, and to you I committ myself......