Update Much?

I have been on a whirlwind the past month.

1) Stressing over Zoology thinking I needed a C to pass the class. Today I found out a D is a passing grade. I'm good for that

2) Writing papers in an entirely different format and style than what I'm used to.

3) Adjusting to being alone for a while because Carlos is suffering Saskatchewan weather for money.

In the midst of it all I've been learning more about myself. While I was studying, writing papers, reading etc. I found that I was constantly drawn to Facebook. I used to love Facebook but the more I used it the more I found distaste in it. I realized that I was using Facebook as a conversation starter, "oh did you see that so and so is doing this and that?" I would spend stupid amounts of time writing on people's walls, "we should definitely get together". I would make sure that every single picture I took was posted. In the midst of studying for Zoology, though, I got fed up. I went and deleted it! I couldn't believe what I was doing, Facebook is so "in" what was I thinking? I was thinking that friendships don't flourish on Facebook, but rumors do, I was thinking that I'm desperately longing for a friendship that isn't grounded, rooted, and relying on Facebook. I want to be real and I'm afraid that doesn't really happen on Facebook. That's ok with me though, I'm fine without it and I'm surprised to feel a relief with not having it. I feel like I cut 40 pounds off my back.

Now on to being alone. I've always thought of myself as a very independent person, and in fact I was a very independent person. Since I've been with Carlos though I find that I rely on him for things that I used to do all by myself, things I wouldn't even think twice about. I've never noticed it so clearly as this last week. Saturday night/Sunday morning I was woken up with the most excruciating pain in my chest. I layed in bed and just cried because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted someone there to hug me and make me feel better or take me to the hospital if need be. I layed there thinking I'm all alone right now, there is absolutely no one around, what would I do if it was more serious? I don't have family here, and I barely have any good friends anymore. If I have ever said I felt lonely before I take it back because that is the loneliest I have ever felt. Then this morning my car gets stuck at 6:30 am, I have an exam to get to, and no one around to help me. I almost had a nervous break down. Then after my exam I was so elated about how it went and I automatically thought to call Carlos but couldn't, and again felt alone.

I don't write all this to make you feel sorry for me. Instead I write it to say that in the midst of my temporary loneliness I have never felt so blessed to have someone who is there for me no matter what. I have never felt so much like I was made for him and he was made for me than I have this week. I have never been so reassured of something like I have this week. I know that goes against a lot of beliefs because we live together. Seriously though it doesn't even matter. We fit and we love, and we live, and we laugh. There is nothing like it.