The Truth

I'm currently taking a Religious Studies class in University, "Introduction to the Bible." Originally I thought it would be an easy class, one that I could just slide by and get good grades, and give myself a break. It didn't take me long to realize that my assumptions were as far from the truth as I could ever imagine.

My proff is funny, witty, and everything he says is intentional and thought provoking. He's a biblical scholar who thinks the bible is a load of crap. I'm still trying to figure out why someone who doesn't believe in a word it says would want to spend his life studying it. I guess there's a lot of them out there though.

What I'm seeing is that I'm finally having to struggle inside myself to really figure out if I believe it to be true or not. I'm so glad I've decided to take this class, not because I want to be persuaded out of my former beliefs but because I'm seeing another side of it all. I'm finding that my beliefs still drive everything I say and think and do, no matter what the situation. I may not be living things out but deep inside things are still there. No matter how much evidence and persuasion I am getting in my class against the Bible as truth I can't get away from the nagging in my spirit that says it is. I read the words, I study the words, and I listen to the words, whether they are completely historically true or not has no relevance for me to the truth of God.

Now whether I agree with God, whether I'm angry with him and want nothing to do with him, that's a whole different story. But is he real? I can't get away from Him and so I have to conclude He is.

A New Year, A New Day, A New Beginning

Well it's 2009 and I can hardly believe 2008 is blown by us already. It's been a year of change, recognition, redemption, and love. I have really enjoyed this past year, it's been hard but very good for me. The start of my nursing program has been the biggest accomplishment in my life because it is me walking out my dreams.

On another note, with 2009 comes new resolutions. You know the ones people make and never keep? Yeah those are what I'm talking about, but along with the resolution comes the resolution to keep your resolution. Just a long winding road but the resolutions always bring you one step closer to what it is you want to achieve so I don't discredit them. Dream, and resolute to your hears desire.

For me I decided to take a step closer to a healthy me. Healthy in every way, spiritually by beginning to see myself as a whole person directly connected to God; mentally by really engaging in my studies; emotionally by letting myself feel again; and physically by lifestyle changes in diet and exercise. I'm really excited to see where this resolution takes me. What I am even more excited about is that I am embarking on a journey with my mom and my sister.

My sister was my hero growing up, I liked everything she liked and wanted to do everything she did. I treated her kids as my own and they are still a huge part of who I am today, but as I grew up and life took us both on very different paths we grew apart. My mom has always been a vital part of my life, she read to me, nurtured me and was there for me in every way she knew how and I am so grateful for who she has been in my life.

We are doing our own "Biggest Loser" and although we're miles apart its something that we can do together and celebrate together. I'm so very excited to have a new chapter with my sister and my mom and my prayer is that this would bring us closer than ever.

A New Perspective

I have been having a wonderful visit home for Christmas. One of my best yet I think. I have been able to see everyone I wanted to see and also be able to spend adequate time with my parents. A balance I have never been able to achieve while being home.

The past 3 or so weeks I have had an increasing feeling that my life is in constant change and motion. No matter how much I believe that I am all settled down life is constantly changing and moving and I am constantly feeling like I'm being left behind. Balance has been something I have always desired but something I have never been able to grasp or live out.

There are so many things that I have processed or begun processing lately and I am once again left wondering where am I in the midst of this life? I mean I am right here but in the search of trying to find myself have I only hid myself thinking that it was really me? And if that's the case what was I hiding from or rather WHO was I hiding from?

After reading the novel "The Shack" I have a deeper understanding of who God is in the midst of my life right now and this new understanding is making it easier for me to once again approach the throne of my Father. I am slowly walking towards him one baby step at a time and although it's scary for me right now I know that He is my Redeemer.

He is touching my soul, holding my hand, and whispering in my ear and I am learning to recognize his presence. He is so good, so merciful, so gracious, so gentle, so patient, so loving, and so much more. I am in awe of Him, and his forgiveness in my life.

My prayer for this year is that I would begin to face my demons, to fight the thorn in my flesh and face myself. Would you join me in an incredible journey and adventure?

THE SHACK

I'm currently reading a book that is turning my entire universe on its head. It is transforming my world with each word. It has been a long time since I have read a book that has had such an impact on my soul. I am finally coming to a place where I feel ok with stepping into the love of God and this book is ushering me in deeper.

I had an idea that in order to be loved by God again, to feel Him again I needed to make drastic life changes. I now see He has never left and never will and that He still works through every movement, every word and every decision in my life.

If you get the chance read "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young let it transform your own theology.

1 Broken Car
1 Missing Boyfriend
1 Broken Stove
= a very bad week

Looking forward to the end of it, and going home for Christmas.

Update Much?

I have been on a whirlwind the past month.

1) Stressing over Zoology thinking I needed a C to pass the class. Today I found out a D is a passing grade. I'm good for that

2) Writing papers in an entirely different format and style than what I'm used to.

3) Adjusting to being alone for a while because Carlos is suffering Saskatchewan weather for money.

In the midst of it all I've been learning more about myself. While I was studying, writing papers, reading etc. I found that I was constantly drawn to Facebook. I used to love Facebook but the more I used it the more I found distaste in it. I realized that I was using Facebook as a conversation starter, "oh did you see that so and so is doing this and that?" I would spend stupid amounts of time writing on people's walls, "we should definitely get together". I would make sure that every single picture I took was posted. In the midst of studying for Zoology, though, I got fed up. I went and deleted it! I couldn't believe what I was doing, Facebook is so "in" what was I thinking? I was thinking that friendships don't flourish on Facebook, but rumors do, I was thinking that I'm desperately longing for a friendship that isn't grounded, rooted, and relying on Facebook. I want to be real and I'm afraid that doesn't really happen on Facebook. That's ok with me though, I'm fine without it and I'm surprised to feel a relief with not having it. I feel like I cut 40 pounds off my back.

Now on to being alone. I've always thought of myself as a very independent person, and in fact I was a very independent person. Since I've been with Carlos though I find that I rely on him for things that I used to do all by myself, things I wouldn't even think twice about. I've never noticed it so clearly as this last week. Saturday night/Sunday morning I was woken up with the most excruciating pain in my chest. I layed in bed and just cried because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted someone there to hug me and make me feel better or take me to the hospital if need be. I layed there thinking I'm all alone right now, there is absolutely no one around, what would I do if it was more serious? I don't have family here, and I barely have any good friends anymore. If I have ever said I felt lonely before I take it back because that is the loneliest I have ever felt. Then this morning my car gets stuck at 6:30 am, I have an exam to get to, and no one around to help me. I almost had a nervous break down. Then after my exam I was so elated about how it went and I automatically thought to call Carlos but couldn't, and again felt alone.

I don't write all this to make you feel sorry for me. Instead I write it to say that in the midst of my temporary loneliness I have never felt so blessed to have someone who is there for me no matter what. I have never felt so much like I was made for him and he was made for me than I have this week. I have never been so reassured of something like I have this week. I know that goes against a lot of beliefs because we live together. Seriously though it doesn't even matter. We fit and we love, and we live, and we laugh. There is nothing like it.

Hope of a nation

Barack Obama.....

I don't care who you are, what you believe in, who you voted for or would have voted for, there is no way you can deny that this man is powerful. There is something about this man that has ignited my soul again, his rhetoric, his faith, his hope, his love. When this all began so long ago with Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama going head to head I said time and time again Obama will win. At that point I didn't know much about him, I didn't know what he stood for, and I had absolutely no idea the impact he would have, but I knew it would be him.

Everything I see on TV, everything I watch on You Tube brings me to tears. It's really taken me by surprise because I have been numb for so long to everything. I watch the United States come together in unity. I see young people rising up, calling for change and believing it can happen. Not only believing it can happen but wanting to be a part of that. No longer are they filled with apathy, but they are rising. I know a lot of people feel that Obama could in fact be the one to bring the world crashing down. They think because Oprah Winfrey endorses Obama (and of course she must be the anti-Christ) then Obama must have a part in destroying the Earth.

Yet when I look and observe at what is going on around me; in the US, in Canada and in fact all over the world as people everywhere, from every race, and every background celebrate the victory of President Elect Barack Obama we are coming together. It gives me incredible hope for this nation, for this world, and for this church. Could what is going on in US in fact be a foreshadowing of what the church will become? There are no arguments, and there are no claims of perfection, there is a humble claim that "WE can." Not I, not YOU, but WE. Could the church really unite like this, could we put all of our differences aside and agree that the only thing that matters is HIM and HIS will on this Earth. Not our own selfish desires, or ideals about how the church should be, or how the people in the church should be. It's about HIM. I will hold onto that, I will run with that, and I will seek him, and I will pray for Obama because I know, I sense, that change is very close on the horizon and great things are about to happen.

Let me make it clear that I don't think of Obama as "the new messiah." I do believe that God can and will use him and I am eagerly awaiting the outcome of that.

Go to Youtube and watch

"American Prayer"
"Yes We Can"
We Are the Ones"

I think you will be moved