Hold my Hand

How honest can you get in a blog? Cause tonight I need some good writing time. Hence why I stopped importing my blog to facebook. I don't really feel like being vulnerable the the whole world. So if you found this Kudos to you, but I made it hard for you to find so you are not allowed to be offended, cause the contents of this blog may offend you. You have been sufficiently warned.

I've been feeling more lonely than ever before. I mean I have an amazing boyfriend who I fall more in love with every single day. He supports me like no other, and he is my sanity. And I have 6 friends who have really loved me through everything and for them I am so thankful.

The more I reflect, the more I look back the more lonely I feel. I feel like I've been left on the side. I feel like when I was struggling the most in my life no one saw me. Now when I've made the decisions I've made people see me but they're scared to look. I was talking with my friend Greg about a year ago and I said I was scared that when people found out the decisions I had made that I would be "cast out" like a leper in the OT. My biggest fear has come true. I have been cast out, and maybe people don't want to admit it, maybe they don't want to look it in the face but it's blatantly obvious.

I'm dealing with it, I hope.

The thing that really frustrates me the most is that the one's who have cast me out are the one's who really want to make differences in the world. They're out there loving people they don't know but they can't even love the ones they do.

All my life I've been trying to impress people, trying to live up to standards placed on me, in fear that if I didn't no one would be around me. When it was too much to take I made a decision to stop, to start over, to find out who I really am. It was then that my fears proved to be true. I've had the initial conversation with everyone,

"So what's up? Where are you? I've been hearing things..."

"Yeah, I'm living with my boyfriend...."

"ooh, well I know this isn't you, you are not this person, but I love you"

And with the end of those conversations were the end of friendships. Even the people I really tried to keep in contact with, it was to no avail. They didn't even think to ask why? What happened, what's going on?

What is love? Are people capable of loving through sin? If you really knew what was going on in everyone's lives could you love them? Or do they have to pass a certain amount of criteria before you can love them? Do you prefer to have blind eyes so that you aren't tainted? Can you be associated with someone who sins daily?

Where is the church? Why are people not wanting to go? Why is everyone getting hurt by the church?

Because the church is full of people. People who have ideals about how the world should be. They sit and dream about what is should be, could be like. In the meantime they pass by what's really going on. The fact is that the Kingdom of God is NOW but not yet. Why is no one focusing on the NOW?

You have preconceptions and if people don't fit those preconceptions you pretend they are no longer there. I have become invisible and that hurts like nothing else can. It pierces the deepest parts of my heart, the places that were already shattered are now crushed into a powder, impossible to re-form.

I'm praying, I'm believing, I'm hoping that God is still my salvation, that I still have something to hold onto. Everyday those get a little bit smaller because I really can't be associated with a group like what I see in the church now. At the same time I don't know if I can hold on without the church.